My Motives Are Not Your Motives

My name is Michael, but that's not who I am.

I was born autistic, but I didn't find out that I was for over 50 years. To my parents, I was just a "difficult" child.

My mother had no empathy for the difficulties I had as a child, and still doesn't now I'm an adult approaching retirement.

She only cares about the difficulties she had with me, never the difficulties I had, and continue to have.

Because I don't have a learning disability, and autism is always portrayed as a learning disability, she says I can't have autism that bad and that I'm lucky to be able to have a relatively normal life.

It kinda depends what you consider normal to be relative towards.

Compared to everyone I meet in my everyday life, I have an extremely difficult life.

But compared to those with learning disabilities, yes I suppose I've got it pretty good.

From an early age, I had to learn to fit in and be as normal as possible, or I wouldn't be accepted by my parents.

So I became a 'people pleaser' - if I did what other people wanted, I wouldn't be blamed or shouted at or hit or punished or unloved.

So I learned to get pleasure from other people's happiness - I became an altruist. I'm "too altruistic for my own good", according to my counsellor at university.

According to my mother, who conveniently forgets how difficult I was as a child when it suits her (such as when talking to an autism assessor) everything was fine with me until I went to university.

She sees mental health issues as an embarrassment on the family, something she never has, she only ever has physical symptoms, apparently.

Many people I've known who've met her wouldn't agree, nor would my second autism assessor (after an agonising wait caused by my mother's false testimony to the first) when I described her symptoms.

According to my mother, I had mental health problems when I went to university and started "thinking before I speak" (something she never does) - like that was something bad that you shouldn't do, rather than the opposite.

The truth is that I had to see a counsellor at university because at the end of my second year, my mother phoned me to tell me that she and my stepfather (who I didn't get on with) both had cancer and that he was going to die soon.

I faced an altruist's nightmare, do I give up my degree and go to look after my mother and stepfather? Or should I stay at university and try to complete my final year as planned?

Autistic me couldn't handle the sudden unpredictable change of circumstance, and I stayed at university.

But people who aren't altruists can never empathise with those that are. They always put themselves first, so can't see the altruist's dilemma.

Never let others that are sceptical of your altruism get you down!

They made a video about someone like me and a film about someone like my smart, compassionate and rather wonderful partner, Sam!

Unfortunately, my altruism has led to me neglecting my needs as much as my parents neglected them.

As I get older and more weary, the mask begins to slip more and more often when people take advantage of my altruism and treat me badly when all I've done is be altruistic towards them.

My neurodivergent brain cannot comprehend why people would be nasty to someone who's always gone out of his way to be kind and thoughtful towards them, and I have a horrible, swearing, uncontrollable meltdown that can take me days or weeks to recover from.

This has led to my own mother and offspring not wanting to know me, even though I've never attacked anyone. I only ever have a meltdown when attacked.

But according to my mother, I'm so lucky that I can lead a relatively normal life!

What I am lucky for, and what I'm eternally grateful for, is the support I get from my partner Sam and my current employers.

Finding out I'm autistic, and have many of the typically associated conditions as well, has made my entire life make sense in retrospect.